Minimal_Thoughts – July 31, 2014

MinimalThoughts

Filling in for Jason while he works out the kinks for his planned lobotomy, this is your old pal, Craig.

It’s been awhile since I’ve held the reigns to the M_T castle, and boy does it feels weird. Like trying on someone else’s clothes or something. I feel…dirty? Guilty? Dehydrated? Who knows. Either way, I’m here to hold forth on three games of varying quality, with minimal thoughts, no less.

Since I’m holding off on commenting on anything decent this week (in anticipation of the Second Annual Backlog Challenge – COMING SOON!!!), I’ve decided to download and try out some of the more recent demos from the good ol’ PSN. Why not something cool, like the Destiny beta, you may ask? Good question. The long answer – because I forgot to sign up for it, and by the time I convinced myself it would be worth playing, it was over. Boo on me then.

So what we have here instead is thus: a pair of not-quite 3-D action games, and quite possibly one of the most putrid games I’ve ever had the pleasure of playing. Let’s get crackin’.

ABYSS ODYSSEY

Abyss Odyssey

Although it immediately smacks of a lower-rent Dragon’s Crown, it turns out to be a highly competent, 2.5D side-scrolling dungeon crawler. Although the demo is a bit limited in its scope, what is available looks promising. Loot a plenty. Controls are a little stiff, but useable. The ability to gain “powers” as you explore, move vertically, and backtrack throughout the levels add a nice Metroidvania feel. The demo is just enough of a taste to make me want to keep playing. Dammit.

BATMAN ARKHAM ORIGINS

Batman: Arkham Origins Blackgate – Deluxe Edition

What a long-ass title.

Question time: Do you like your Batman games simplified? Do you hate all that senseless non-linearity? Hate picking up billions of trinkets? Think the (already awesome) fighting system needs to been slowed down and whittled down to just the barest of essentials? Then here’s your game!

Personally, I’m kinda getting an Batman ’89 NES vibe here. Is that good? Not sure, although the production values on this game are top-notch, including some great voice acting. Since the action is essentially on a 2.5D plane, everything feels a bit…off compared to the other Arkham games. But the demo wraps up on a nice ending point, and leaves me curious about more of the game. I guess I’m sold then.

ZOMBEER

Zombeer

WHAT THE HOLY FUCK IS THIS GAME? So not only is my character wielding a pink dildo as a weapon, but he has to continually drink “Zombeers” to keep from turning into a zombie. Ok then. Smacking the poorly rendered zombies with your dildo kills them in two hits. Once again, ok. It’s a game, so I’ll let that slide. But what doesn’t make any sense AT ALL? The first 10 minutes alone contain blatant references to: Asteroids, Minecraft, Super Mario Bros, Heath Ledger’s Joker, and the television show Lost. Why??? No rhyme, no reason. Now, I’m not a lawyer or anything, but my god, I felt like suing somebody after suffering thru one disjointed ‘reference’ after another. Make no mistake, this game is TERRIBLE. The demo ends randomly after you open a door to…somewhere, and leaves you questioning your faith in gaming as a whole. Bad in every imaginable way, but still has that ‘trainwreck’ factor that pulls you in, not unlike an Ed Wood film. Except this is much, much worse.

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